Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
no, he came in my armpit
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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