i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
