dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
