I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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