so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
