me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
