And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
