Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
