even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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