And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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