How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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