Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
