just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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