I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
