I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
