happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
