3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
