he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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