Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
you made out with another girl for some wings
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