My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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