Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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