Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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