Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
