i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
