At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
