My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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