Where did you get a picture of my penis
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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