420 ftw
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
