Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize