She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
