So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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