someone threw a dead crab at me
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
