how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
