stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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