I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
