Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
