The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
