I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When did we convert life to cartoon?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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