she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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