Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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