I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
