you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
