Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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