i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
