NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize