I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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