i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
