rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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