I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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