I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
