just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
