No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
