Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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