Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
