I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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