he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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