I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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