i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
