i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
