The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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