Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
