ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
